Saturday, May 23, 2009

The lovely Jewel is 35 today

Waterboading dares

The media is playing some type of truth or dare game out of waterboarding. Sean Hannity chickened out, so some other guy tried it: Mancow Waterboarded, Admits It's Torture.

And so it went Friday morning when WLS radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller decided to subject himself to the controversial practice of waterboarding live on his show. Mancow decided to tackle the divisive issue head on -- actually it was head down, while restrained and reclining.

"I want to find out if it's torture," Mancow told his listeners Friday morning, adding that he hoped his on-air test would help prove that waterboarding did not, in fact, constitute torture.

The verdict?

Witnesses said Muller thrashed on the table, and even instantly threw the toy cow he was holding as his emergency tool to signify when he wanted the experiment to stop. He only lasted 6 or 7 seconds.

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, likening it to a time when he nearly drowned as a child. "It is such an odd feeling to have water poured down your nose with your head back...It was instantaneous...and I don't want to say this: absolutely torture."

"I wanted to prove it wasn't torture," Mancow said. "They cut off our heads, we put water on their face...I got voted to do this but I really thought 'I'm going to laugh this off.' "

An end to those annoyng car warranty robocalls?

Oh hell no!" U.S. Federal District Judge John F. Grady told a marauding group of car warranty robocallers who managed to annoy pretty much everyone over the past few months. The judge slapped two Florida companies with an immediate restraining order and froze their assets, which should be enough to finally end those maddening robocalls.

Really, restraining orders? Injunction hearings? C'mon, judiciary! FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz called this "one of the most aggressive" telemarketing schemes ever. They're witches, plain and simple. Burn them!

Well placed rivets

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mr. T is 57 today

The 2010 Vancouver Olympic Toke Torch

Everyone is having a good laugh over the design of the Olympic torch that will be used in the torch relay across the country. Although it's made of stainless steel and aluminum, and designed to evoke snow, ice, skiing and skating, a lot of people think it looks a marijuana joint, especially when lit. So I guess people will be calling out for relay participants to pass the joint.

It's pretty much accepted that the #1 cash crop in British Columbia is marijuana and the province seems to be the headquarters of the Canadian cannabis culture. So Michael Phelps might consider taking up a winter sport?

One Hit Wonder

C. W. McCall - Convoy (1975)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Mary-Louise Parker regrets nude scene

r showed her bare breasts in this season’s finale of “Weeds,” but now she says she regrets agreeing to the scene of her in the bathtub, claiming she was “goaded” into doing it. I didn’t think I needed to be naked, and I fought with the director about it, and now I’m bitter,” according to the June issue of More magazine.

For the record I don't regret it!

(naughty images available at The Superficial)

Phoenix Coyotes slowing whithering away in the desert sun

The Globe and Mail reports that Coyotes ticket sales for next are at about $20,000. At the ACC that will get you a pair of golds for next season and leave enough for a couple of beers per game. Last season at this time the Coyotes has sold about $1.5 million in tickets. So obviously bankruptcy proceedings are not conducive for selling hockey tickets. Their core fans are waiting to see what the courts decide before committing to renewing their seats. This past season, the Coyotes had a 0.4 TV rating. That translates to about 7,210 homes. The team also struggled to even meet minimum standards to qualify for full shares of the NHL's revenue-sharing program, which takes money from rich teams and distributes cash to poorer teams.

But lets not forget that the team has been terrible and has failed to make the playoffs for six straight years. Glendale, the site of the arena is far from downtown Phoenix. This is a marketing nightmare.

I would have to say that the death watch is on. Millions in liabilities and no revenue. You can't cut salaries since the team is already at the minimum salary cap. I'd say prospective buyers are lining up to put a bid on this cash cow.

When the team finally folds up the tent and leaves, Glendale and taxpayers will be left with some big bills to pay. Glendale borrowed $180 million to build the $220 million arena. The city will also lose rent income and ticket surcharge revenue. What do you do with a 17,000 seat arena in the middle of the desert?

It might be unhealthy

Deep Fried Cheeseburger On-A-Stick

Wayne Allwine (Mickey Mouse) dead at 62

Sadly, Wayne Allwine passed away this week at the age of 62 from diabetes complications. He'd been the voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977, when he took over from Jimmy MacDonald to do inserts for The New Mickey Mouse Club. His first theatrical appearance was in the classic Mickey's Christmas Carol in 1983, and he's been Mickey's soul ever since. He's survived by his wife, voice actress Russi Taylor, who is, poetically enough, the voice of Minnie Mouse.

A "No Decision" for the Phoenix Coyotes

As I suspected he would, Judge Baum did not make any decisions yesterday in the bankruptcy proceeding for the Phoenix Coyotes. It was obvious that issues around sports team ownership and relocation are beyond the jurisdiction of a bankruptcy court. Had the matter of ownership been clear cut (and my suspicions were the documents were at best ambiguous) then at least the judge could have concluded who owned the team - Jerry Moyes or the NHL.

But even had Moyes proven he was still owner, the judge could not have made a decision on the sale. Jim Balsillie has made a conditional offer to purchase the team - the condition being that the franchise relocate to Hamilton. Afterall, Balsillie is not interested in owning a team in Phoenix but then who is. Relocation of a sports franchise is not within the court's jurisdiction. So Judge Baum sent the parties off to mediate these issues and then come back so he can continue to work out a plan to pay off creditors of the Coyotes. However, these parties are so far apart than one has to wonder if an agreement can be reached.

The NHL continues to embarrass itself by not dealing with Balsillie. There differences could have been resolved in 2006. Instead he continues to wait in the weeds ready to pounce on the next failing franchise. Unless the NHL is willing to make some compromises, there may only be 29 teams next season.

Yup, an actual "Is that a sausage in your pants...?"

Meet Brittany Gariepy. The Florida woman was departing a 7-Eleven when a store clerk noticed a suspicious bulge in the front of the 20-year-old's pants. Concerned that Gariepy may have been shoplifting, convenience store employees contacted a cop, who approached Gariepy in the parking lot. Though she initially denied swiping anything, Gariepy was confronted with evidence spotted inside her vehicle: an empty wrapper for a $1.19 Big Mama pickled sausage.

Confronted with the wrapper, deputies say Gariepy confessed she'd eaten the evidence.

Ladies, nothing will draw more attention then if you have a huge bulge in your pants. If you're going to swipe something shove it in your top.

Hump Day Hottie

Kate Hudson

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Fahion Disaster

Court drama in Phoenix

Yes the whole country is supporting Jim Balsillie as he enters a Phoenix courtroom today to try to wrestle control of the most pathetic sport franchise in North America. How do you lose $35 million a year. Well start with an average ticket price of $37. You can get deals where for $40 you get a pair of upper bowl tickets with parking, hot dogs and drinks thrown in. Shane Doan probably comes pick you and drives you to the game. Yes there are not suitors lining up to buy this turkey.

So here is a recap of the battle as I see it:
  • New gets out during the winter that the Coyotes have not been paying their bills and the NHL has stepped in to keep the team operating.
  • At various times during the season Gary Bettman declared that the Coyotes were not in financially trouble at that there were as many as 4 (unnamed) potential buyers.
  • Coyote owner Jerry Moyes and Basillie have been talking since February on how to sell the team the Balsillie bypassing the NHL process since Balsillie's last two attempts failed.
  • They come up with a scheme where the Coyotes file for Chapter 11 bankrupcy and Balsillie immediately makes an offer to buy the team for $212.5 million. That may be $100 million more than its worth but allows Moyes to walk away with money in his pocket.
  • The NHL files documents with the court indicating that ownership had actually transferred to the NHL in November but to protect Moyes from embarrassment it was never publicly disclosed.
  • The city of Glendale cries foul because they have a 30 year lease with the Coyotes and see the bankrupcy filing as a ruse to get out of the lease and relocate.
  • Balsillie goes on the offensive and accuses the NHL of being either opposed to him personally or a team in Southern Ontario.
  • Balsillie works out a deal with the city of Hamilton to bring the Coyotes to Copps Coliseum.
  • Bettman suggests on the weekend that if the Coyotes were to relocate it wouldn't be to Ontario but back to Winnipeg. This is declaration is either intended to generate some competition for Balsillie or to split the Canadian public on relocation.
  • Balsillie suggests that he would keep the team in Phoenix for one more season with financial support from the league.
If the Judge makes a decision today and that it a big if, this dispute will not be resolved. Neither side will likely back down which means more litigation. So what happens to the Coyotes in the interim? Will anyone operate the team?

I suspect at the very least someone will be appointed to operate the franchise. We are abouit 4 or 5 weeks away from the Amateur Draft and 7 weeks away from a large number of contracts expiring and free agency. If someone doesn't take over the team then it will likely not be operating next season.

So stay tuned.

One Hit Wonder

Karl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting (1974)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Biden Reveals Location of Secret VP Bunker

This just in from Newsweek's Eleanor Clift, a frequent purveyor of political anecdotes. She bring us an enlightening one here regarding the (quote) undisclosed location (unquote) we heard lots about in the days after Sept. 11. Here's Eleanor:

Ever wonder about that secure, undisclosed location where Dick Cheney secreted himself after the 9/11 attacks? Joe Biden reveals the bunker-like room is at the Naval Observatory in Washington, where Cheney lived for eight years and which is now home to Biden. The veep related the story to his head-table dinner mates when he filled in for President Obama at the Gridiron Club earlier this year. He said the young naval officer giving him a tour of the residence showed him the hideaway, which is behind a massive steel door secured by an elaborate lock with a narrow connecting hallway lined with shelves filled with communications equipment. The officer explained that when Cheney was in lock down, this was where his most trusted aides were stationed, an image that Biden conveyed in a way that suggested we shouldn’t be surprised that the policies that emerged were off the wall. Cheney has emerged as the leading critic of the Obama administration on national security, saying the president’s policies are making America less safe, and if there’s another attack, it will be Obama’s fault. This is tough stuff, but as the architect of the Bush administration’s policies on war and torture, he has a much bigger legacy to protect than the president he helped steer onto the shoals.


Charles Barkley has copied my golf swing

This is why we need to have indecency laws

Mother of the Year candidate

Police arrested a mother accused of having sex in a car while her children were present. Officers said they caught 24-year-old Danica Wallace, of Marysville, Ohio, engaged in sexual activity with a man in the front seat of a car parked in Springfield. Wallace's 3-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter were in the car's back seat, police said. Wallace told police that she had been driving, but pulled over to have sex with Welch because they could not have sex at the friend’s house where they had been, according to the police report. Officers said they found open beer bottles and marijuana in the car, and police said Wallace failed a sobriety test.

picture compliments of Barstool

Tina Fey is 39 today

Mannequin ordered to wear more clothes

The Reading (Ohio) Design Review Board made a decision regarding the infamous "Bar-Be-Q" mannequin. They had wanted to take it down but instead ruled that it would have to wear more clothes. You can't have slutty mannequins in town.

The owner of a Reading restaurant bought the busty statue in early April to help boost walk-in sales.

"You know, I tried the newspapers, I tried the magazines, they didn't work," said Kenny Tessel, the owner of the restaurant. "She is the only thing that has worked, so, why rock the boat? You know, let her be part of the scene and let people enjoy her."

Tessel says Bar-Be-Q helped triple his walk-in sales in just over a month. He says he's considering taking the mannequin with him to the meeting at City Hall on Wednesday

Kilt-wearing is not cross-dressing

The principal of a Utah middle school has been asked to apologize for forcing a kilt-wearing student to change his clothes.

Weber School District spokesman Nate Taggart says Craig Jessop has been asked to extend an apology to 14-year-old student Gavin McFarland of Hooper after the school official's comments. Gavin says he wore the kilt twice in the past two weeks to Rocky Mountain Junior High as a prop for an art project. Jessop told the boy that the outfit could be misconstrued as cross-dressing.

Taggart says the district recognizes the kilt as an expression of the boy's Scottish heritage and that the kilt was not inappropriate.

Michigan police taser toy black panter

About 10 Warren police officers responded to a 911 call about a cougar on the prowl. Police shot a Taser at the animal - hitting what turned out to be a large toy cougar.

Mom has sex with teens to keep them away from daughter

A 30-year-old Northern California woman had an original approach to keeping teenage boys away from her daughter. She had sex with them. The only problem was they boys were minors. The acts took place in a Walmart parking lot which pretty much says it all.

Deborah Towe faces 11 felony counts, including unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, oral copulation of a person under the age of 16, committing lewd acts upon a child and arranging a meeting with a minor for a lewd purpose.

The boys were 15 and 16 years old.

Police in Anderson, about 150 miles north of Sacramento, began investigating in April after two girls from a local middle school reported that a friend's mother was having sex with boys.

In a 48-page report released this week, Towe told police she was protecting her daughter by diverting the boys' attention to herself.

She denied the charges during an appearance Wednesday in Shasta County Superior Court. Towe remains jailed, with her bond set at $250,000.

Rogers customers will see the Jays vs Red Sox this week

Blue Jays fans can breathe a sigh of relief.

A nine-month standoff between Rogers Cable and TSN has ended this week just in time for Rogers customers to watch this week's much-anticipated series between the first-place Jays and the Boston Red Sox on TSN2, a sports channel up to now denied to them.

All Rogers subscribers with digital boxes will get TSN2 starting Tuesday on Channel 1. Rogers has tossed in a bonus: Even the digitally deprived can watch the three-game series that starts tomorrow, on old-fashioned Channel 59. After the Boston series is over, they'll be out of luck, although digital customers will get TSN2 on Channel 98 – free for three months.

After that, unless they have the Rogers VIP package, they'll have to fork over $60 a month to get TSN2 and a whole slew of other channels and features.

The fight seems strange considering the Blue Jays are owned by Rogers. But TSN is owned by CTV and they couldn't agree on a fee when TSN2 was launched. So everyone can go back now and count their money once they finish nickel and diming consumers.

Statue of the Week

Salt Lake City, Utah

Happy Victoria Day

For those of us in the Great White North we celebrate Victoria Day today. It also marks the first long weekend of the summer (which in Canada last about 6 weeks). The weekend is typically cold and wet but that doesn't stop Canadians from planting their backyard gardens or opening up their summer cottages. Oh yes a we light fireworks too. I mean how else would you know it was a holiday?

Victoria Day is celebrated the last Monday before May 24 or on May 24 if falls on a Monday. The important thing is to get a long weekend out it. The holiday is colloquially known as May Two-Four in most parts of Canada; a double entrendre that refers both to the date on which the holiday usually falls (24 May) and the Canadian slang for a case of 24 beers (a "two-four"), a drink popular during the long weekend.

Now you may ask why Canadians celebrate Victoria Day. It's to celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday. Now she hasn't been Queen for over 100 years but what politician is going to yank a holiday over a small technicality like that. In fact I'd been happy to celebrate more of the monarchs' birthdays if it meant a day off work. You know there were 8 King Edwards and 6 Georges.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sure sign of spring when my flowering almond trees bloom

Dennis Hopper is 73 today

Mug Shot of the Week

Cactus accident

I would imagine this would be awfully painful.

Teen robs store with a banana then eat the evidence

A teenager was caught trying to rob a store with a banana - then ate the makeshift weapon to destroy the evidence. Sadly for John Szwalla he was unable to swallow the skin which was duly photographed by police in North Carolina. The 17-year-old is currently in the county jail charged with attempted armed robbery.

The bizarre drama began when Szwalla entered the 109 Biz Center in Winston-Salem with a banana under his shirt. The hapless thief told staff in the internet cafe that he had a gun and demanded cash.

Owner Bobby Ray Mabe said he and a customer jumped on to Szwalla, pinning him into a chair before deputies arrived. But while they waited for police, Mabe says the teen stuffed the banana into his mouth and swallowed it.

When deputies arrived they took pictures of the banana peel instead. Forsyth County Sheriff's office spokesman Major Brad Stanley said police joked about charging Szwalla with destroying evidence.