Saturday, May 21, 2011

Apocalypse not now



Hmm. The world didn't end this evening. It's good thing I didn't do anything foolish like spend my life savings getting the word out.

Maybe Harold Camping miscalculated? Hey with a rounding off error he could have been 19 hours early. Maybe Judgment Day is tomorrow and 1 pm? How embarrassing this must be for all the believers who spent all day getting themselves into a frenzy.



You know I do have some advice for those who need to face their blasphemous friends and families.
  1. Blame some intergalactic storm on fucking up your instruments and come up with a new date.
  2. Try to convince them it did happen and you are now an angel visiting non-believers in Hell.
  3. Run off to some cave in Nepal and spend the next 12 months praying and meditating.
  4. Give up religion and spend the rest of your life getting drunk and laid.

Live coverage of The Rapture

Watch live streaming video from nyc at livestream.com

Woman who wouldn't shut up kicked off train


A woman who was pulled of an Amtrak train by police after passengers complained she was speaking too loudly on a cell phone said she felt "disrespected" by the entire incident.

Lakeysha Beard of Tigard was accused of disorderly conduct after police said she got into a "verbal altercation" with train passengers on Sunday. Passengers had complained she refused to put down her cell phone. Conductors stopped the train in Salem, where police got involved.

An Amtrak official said a number of passengers complained that Beard was being disrespectful during her prolonged phone conversations on the train. Salem police reported she had been on the phone non-stop since the train pulled out of Oakland, Calif. 16 hours earlier.

When a passenger confronted her about her loud talking, police said Beard got aggressive.

Preparing for the Rapture

Jo-Jo Reyes may soon be the best unsuccessful pitcher in baseball history


It takes a special talent to go 27 starts without a win. You have to be both bad and unlucky. For Reyes the streak goes back 3 years to June 13, 2008 when he last won a game for his previous team, the Atlanta Braves.

For one thing you need to have a manager who will continue to send you out there despite your inability to win. And you have to be unlucky. Take last night's game when Reyes pitched a shutout over 7 innings. The Blue Jay bullpen needed to only hold the lead over two innings to end Reyes' streak. John Roach immediately coughed up the lead in the eighth inning to end any possibility of a Reyes win.

During the streak his team did not lose every start. His team won 7 games during the streak but he never got the decision. Reyes was tagged with the loss in only 12 games.

Somewhere out there Matt Keough is smiling. Keough holds the distinction of going 28 starts without a win for the 1978-79 Oakland A’s, the longest such streak since 1920.

Ukrainian politicians are fighting mad


Vice speaker of the Ukrainian parliament, Adam Martynyuk throttled deputy Oleg Lyashko during a session in the chamber of the Ukrainian parliament in Kiev on Wednesday, May 18, 2011. Seems oddly familiar?



Well that's because this appears to be repeat of a session from last November. I'm glad to see they are really getting a good grasp on how democracy operates.

Stupid invention Week


Better Marriage Blanket (keeps that flatulence odor away!)
It sounds like a gag gift, but the Better Marriage Blanket is meant to keep you from gagging – if you’re on the receiving end of the silent-but-deadly problem it’s designed to combat - your bedmate's flatulence.


Friday, May 20, 2011

1952 - 2011: Randall Mario Poffo aka Macho Man Randy Savage

Preparing for the Rapture

Winnipeg represents a defeat for Gary Bettman


Gary Bettman's southern U.S. strategy has had some successes but is also littered with disasters. There 9 teams that exist in southern states including 2 in Florida, and Southern California, and 1 in Georgia, North Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Arizona. They have one 4 Stanley Cups (Tampa Bay, Dallas, Carolina, Anaheim) over the past 12 years. Canada has just 6 teams and over the same period haven't won any Cups.

Too many of these teams as well as other smaller market American teams are on life support. Partly due to poor management, insufficient corporate sponsorship and a weak fan base. Meanwhile a 30 team league has also watered down the product. We don't know how many teams are actually for sale. We do know that Phoenix has been on the market for the past 2 years and the Atlanta team has had a for sale sign out for 5 years with no local interest prepared to step forward. Buffalo recently changed hands after being on the market for some time. Supposedly Columbus, St. Louis, Dallas, Nashville and the Islanders are on the market too. It seems the True North group in Winnipeg are the only buyers out there.

Winnipeg has a committed ownership group and fan base but it will still be a small market team that might need to dip into the league's equalization payment scheme. At least it won't be a desert based team where hockey is more of a novelty than a passion. Which raises the question what is the NHL going to do about the Coyotes? Glendale has agreed to cover losses for another season which provides some more time to locate a potential owner that is willing use their own money to keep the team local. The likelihood of finding such a person is on par with Jim Balsillie being awarded an NHL franchise - zilch. But 12 months from now relocating to Winnipeg will no longer be an option for the Coyotes. It seems the next most viable option is Quebec but what if in the interim another desperate owner pursues Quebec? The NHL will really be stuck. Will it look to the Southern Ontario market despite strong objections from the Toronto Maple Leafs? Is the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan looking to unload its share of the Leafs because of possible encroachment into their territory which would reduce the value of their equity in the team?

Stay tuned.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

$2 million lottery winner can still collect food stamps


A Michigan man who won $2 million in a state lottery game continues to collect food stamps 11 months after striking it rich.

And there's nothing the state can do about it, at least for now.

Leroy Fick, 59, of Auburn won $2 million in the state lottery TV show "Make Me Rich!" last June. But the state's Department of Human Services determined he was still eligible for food stamps, Fick's attorney, John Wilson of Midland, said Tuesday.

Eligibility for food stamps is based on gross income and follows federal guidelines; lottery winnings are considered liquid assets and don't count as income. As long as Fick's gross income stays below the eligibility requirement for food stamps, he can receive them, even if he has a million dollars in the bank.

source

Stupid invention Week


<b>Face / Butt Towel</b><br><br> It's a good thing inventors came up with this fool proof way to keep people in line after a nice shower. If you've ever had any doubts about which side of the towel you just used, you might need this to keep you on track.

Face / Butt Towel

If you've ever had any doubts about which side of the towel you just used, you might need this to keep you on track.

If the World is going to end on Saturday then why did I bother paying my Mastercard bill?


By now, you've probably heard of the religious group that's predicting the end of the world starts this weekend. Harold Camping and his devoted followers claim a massive earthquake will mark the second coming of Jesus, or so-called Judgment Day on Saturday, May 21.

Camping claims that at 6 p.m. on Saturday, May 21, the ground will quake, graves will open and many of the dead will ascend to heaven. Two hundred million of the 'saved' -- dead or alive -- will float up. Those left behind will be doomed to live among blood, destruction and disease for five months before God annihilates the Earth on Oct. 21.

I was planning on seeing a movie on Saturday night. Just in case Camping is right, I'm going to change my plans and catch a movie in the afternoon.




This a either Japanese version of rugby or red rover?

Seriously what kind of diabolical mind would ever invent of game like this. They must have a busload of paramedics waiting on the sideline.

Man fakes mugging to avoid telling wife he didn't get Oprah tickets


A man beat himself up - literally - and claimed he had been mugged after failing to get seats for a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show in Chicago. Chicago police allege the ruse was meant to hide from his wife the fact he didn’t have tickets for the show.

He told police he was approached by two offenders. One of the offenders struck him in the face and the other offender stole his Oprah Winfrey Show passes.

Later (he) changed his story and said he made the whole story up because he did not want to disappoint his wife about not having Oprah tickets after travelling all the way from Canada.

OMG this guy is giving Canadian men a bad name. People are liable to think we are all pussies like this guy. I would have come home with a diamond bracelet and told my wife that some shmuck didn't get Oprah tickets for his wife. He was so frightened to tell his wife that he offered me this $6,000 bracelet for the Oprah tickets I had picked up. End of story.

source

Rain rain go away


There hasn't been any sun in these parts for five days now. It's been raining for about 20 out of every 24 hours. My lawn looks like a rice paddy. I'm sure suicide help lines are ringing of the hook. Street hot dog vendors have replaced their street meat with umbrellas. If we're lucky we'll get one day of sunshine over the long weekend.

I'm ready to hop in the car keep driving until I find some sun.

Who do you like?: Green Men vs. Flashing Canuck fan


Vancouver's Green Men were tapped out of cash after the Nashville series so they have been watching the round three series from home. Instead an interesting young woman showed up to entertain the visitor's penalty box.

When San Jose Sharks agitator Ben Eager went to the penalty box with 2:33 left in the third period woman on the penalty box glass was trying to convey something to him when she flashed her bare breasts at him.



Certainly this is beyond the repertoire of Scully and the Force. They may need to return later in the series to top the woman's six seconds of titillation.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Stupid invention Week


Bar sound bubble

A college student in Scotland came up with a solution for chatty pub patrons who can't hear their friends - the sound bubble. It's a clear plastic helmet that covers everything but the ears and mouth from the neck up and eliminates background noise.


Jesus is living in Australia


A couple who say they are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene have set up base in Queensland's Bible Belt.

The pair, real names Alan John Miller, who once lived in Loxton in South Australia's Riverland, and Mary Suzanne Luck, operate from rural Wilkesdale near Kingaroy, where they have been joined by an increasing band of followers.

"My name is Jesus, and I'm serious," Miller said in a video recording from one workshop.

Cult watchers and the Anglican and Catholic churches are alarmed the pair, who ask followers to make donations to sustain them, could draw in the vulnerable. They also have a website.

So you are a skeptic. Well this is what Jesus has to say to you:

"There's probably a million people who say they're Jesus and most of them are in asylums. But one of us has to be. How do I know I am? Because I remember everything about my life."

source

Is Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to locate his love child?

Speaking of OCD...



Don Gorske ate his first Big Mac on May 17, 1972. Today, 39 years later, he will eat his 25,000th. Gorske, 57, normally eats two of the McDonald’s classics a day, but has eaten just one on a number of days this year so that he could hit his milestone on the anniversary. A celebration will be held this afternoon when Gorske bites into the burger in Fond du Lac, Wis.

Gorske, who has kept track of all the Big Macs he’s consumed because of his obsessive-compulsive disorder, sometimes can’t even taste the sandwiches because the sensitivity of his taste buds fluctuates. At today’s event he will display his receipts and the cartons of 10,000 Big Macs, which are normally stored in bins at his house, according to the Fond du Lac Reporter. Surprisingly, his cholesterol level is a desirable 156 mg/dL. Not surprisingly, the Guinness Book of Records awarded him the record for Most Big Macs Consumed when it verified his 23,000th Big Mac in 2008.

Move over Glenn Hall, Doug Jarvis, Tomoaki Kanemoto, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Cal Ripken, A.C. Green and Brett Favre. None of you had a 39 year streak going. And Don Gorske has the empty Big Mac containers to prove it.

source

Burglar with OCD spared jail time


A serial burglar was spared being locked up because a court heard his cleanliness disorder and other emotional problems would make it too traumatic.

Nathan Cassidy who had 14 previous convictions for 29 offences, was not given an immediate custodial sentence because of his obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

Mark McDonald, for Cassidy, said because of psychological problems, including OCD in relation to cleanliness, custody would have a “very traumatic effect” on him.

Cassidy received a 12-month sentence in a young offenders’ institution, suspended for two years, as well as a mental health treatment requirement and two-year supervision order.

What having OCD will keep you out of prison? Much of my family are obsessive clean freaks. This means they could go on a major crime spree and not worry about doing prison time. Mind you if they did end up in a penitentiary it would be the cleanest prison in Canada.

source

Stupid invention Week

<strong>Candwich</strong><br><br>Sure, some things taste amazing from a can - soup and beans, for example.  But a sandwich? Not so much. But that didn't deter Mark One Foods from taking a perfectly delicious creation - the peanut butter and jelly sandwich - and shoving it into a can. <br><br> Introducing the Candwich, which is just what it sounds like: a sandwich in a can.  The Candwich has a "long shelf life" and is "perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters," Mark One Foods boasts on their website.  Um, even in an emergency, we think we'll just stick to our soup and beans.

Candwich

Sandwich in a can? I don't think so.

Introducing the Candwich, which is just what it sounds like: a sandwich in a can. The Candwich has a "long shelf life" and is "perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters," Mark One Foods boasts on their website. Um, even in an emergency, we think we'll just stick to our soup and beans.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Maybe the worst driver ever

What can you say about a bus driver that is making a call on a cell phone with one hand and texting with the other? The good news is that he was too distracted to be reading the novel in his lap.

Idiot of the Month: The Human Firecracker

Fisher the Human Firecracker apparently enjoys wrapping his body in 40,000 firecrackers and then setting them off. Is he really this desperate for attention?

Was Donald Trump really considering running for President?


Donald Trump's ridiculous flirtation with the Republican Party sets off my cynical radar. If Trump was serious about running for President then why was he stumping across America accusing Barack Obama of being a foreigner? Or declaring that America should invade Libya and take their oil? He is smart enough to know that taking these positions put him on the political fringe and guarantees that he will not be taken seriously. So no surprise that in a short period of time he dropped from the ranks of the Republican front runners to near the bottom of the pack.

I have my suspicions that he was really never interested in the White House. Rather he was more interested in the ratings of his Celebrity Apprentice reality TV show. No doubt all this attention got some extra people to tune into his dull program. In fact enough people did just that and as a result NBC has signed up for another season. The same day Trump announces that he really didn't want to be President. Just too much of a coincidence for me.

What would you do if there was no shoeshine stand around?

Stupid invention Week

 <b>The Cellphone Flask</b><br><br> This creation is a flask disguised as a cellphone. It's too bad that it looks nothing like a real phone so you won't be fooling anyone. This is a good idea gone horribly wrong!

The Cellphone Flask

What a brilliant idea. It's too bad that it looks nothing like a real phone so you won't be fooling anyone.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Jose Bautista is in a league of his own


For those who thought Jose Bautista would be a one season wonder well you may want to think this one through again. Last year he was the most dangerous power hitter in the majors but this year he is just the best hitter period. Toronto has seen some very good hitters over the years - Carlos Delgado, George Bell, Roberto Alomar, Joe Carter but no one has ever dominated like this before. sure it's only 40 games but that's what people were saying last season. He will cool off. The pressure will get to him. The pitchers will figure him out.

But this guy keeps getting better and better. Earlier in his career Bautista's swing was late and he chased balls outside the strike zone. But he learned to quicken up his swing and discovered his power potential. Now he is showing incredible patience and discipline while waiting for a good pitch. Pitchers now have no choice but either to walk him or throw him a strike. The results have been devastating.

He leads the MLB or the AL in batting average (AL), walks (MLB), runs (MLB), home runs (MLB), on base percentage (MLB), and slugging percentage (MLB). Sure he is only 11th in RBI but that's because pitchers won't throw him a strike with a man on base. Oh and he has missed 8 games this season too. I know people say he can't keep it up. That's what they said last season but he kept up his home run numbers. Then they said he would be lucky to get 30 homers this season. Well he's on pace to hit over 70. I know he can't keep up that pace either.

The final knock on him followed his contract that he signed with the Jays during the off season. Critics were saying it was absurd to sign a 30 year old guy with one good season for $65 million over 5 years. He could have waited to the end of this season but felt that the Jays had shown him loyalty. How much money did he leave on the table? Adrian Beltre got $80 million over 5 years. Mark Teixiera got $180 million of 8 years. Are either of these players really better than Bautista?


Hightlights from the White House Correspondent's Dinner


For those who haven't seen this, Seth Meyers and Present Obama roast Donald Trump at this year's White House Correspondent's Dinner. The Donald is in the audience and does not appear to be amused at all. I think you are going to dish it out then you better be able to take a hit too. All his birther nonsense has killed his chances to become the Republican nominee.







Survivor: Redemption Island ends tonight and crazy Phillip is still around


There is minimal entertainment value in the Survivor series outside of young girls in bikinis and a small cadre of villains and crazies. This season we have one of those unique characters, Phillip who is part villain and part crazy. You really don't know if it's all an act or he is just one incredible goofball.

He claims to be a Federal Agent who can read when people are lying. He has verbally attacked his fellow survivors and walks around in his underwear with his package hanging our which grosses out the young girls. He drives everyone nuts but no one votes him out because there is a universal belief that he would never get any votes when it comes to picking the winner of the $1 million. So there just may be a method to his madness.











While Broadway's Spiderman was on hiatus, he took in an Astro game

Man arrested with a zoo in his suitcase



A first-class passenger has been arrested at a Thai airport after being found carrying suitcases filled with baby leopards, panthers, a bear and monkeys. The animals had been drugged and were headed for Dubai.

The man, a 36-year-old United Arab Emirates citizen, was waiting to check in for his flight at Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi international airport when he was apprehended by undercover anti-trafficking officers who had been monitoring him since his black-market purchase of the rare and endangered animals, according to the Freeland Foundation, an anti-trafficking group based in Thailand.

When authorities opened the suitcases, the animals yawned, said Steven Galster, director of Freeland, who was present during the arrest. There were two leopards, two panthers, an Asiatic black bear and two macaque monkeys – all about the size of puppies. "It looked like they had sedated the animals and had them in flat cages so they couldn't move around much," Galster said. Some of the animals had been placed inside canisters with air holes.

My parents used to fly down to Florida with some weird stuff in the luggage - a roast chicken, a kosher salami, maybe some herring. Oh yeah it must have really smelled great. But carry seven live animals in your luggage. What did that smell like? Especially after the animals begin to relieve themselves.

source

Stupid invention Week


Umbrella rain tube
How about this umbrella rain tube. Sure, it protects you from the rain, but it won't protect you from being laughed at when you step out carrying the thing.